Friday, January 13, 2006

Coming Out

Coming Out

My coming out of the closet was a long process, and since most people fail to realize I’m gay, it ever on going. As an adolescent, I always felt something was different but I could never place what it was. I remember driving around with friends and they would point out some girl they felt was attractive; not only did I fail to notice her to start with, I also failed to connect with the attraction they felt. Later in teen-hood, I finally tried dating, only to find that I was only going though the routine because I felt I needed to.

Later in college, I asked a co-worker out who I found attractive. She agreed and we went on our date. Around the second date, she mentioned how she was actually bi-sexual. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t remember having any set thoughts or telling anyone else before this, but I responded that I always wondered if I was gay. For me, this set off a series of events; now that I made the statement, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was true.

Probably one mistake I made, was finding myself a boyfriend right away. Looking back, I would kind of liked more time for self discovery, but I guess I am making up for it now. That first boyfriend of mine did teach me a lot in the short time we were together though. One of my ‘firsts’ with him was a trip to West Hollywood. We had a chance to visit some pride shops where I bought myself a small discrete pride sticker. We also ran in to a street closure and watched the first AIDS/LifeCycle roll in. After watching all those people finish off 600 miles from San Francisco, it pulled so many of my heart strings that I told myself that one day I was going to do that. (And this last year, I finally did).

So after leaving L.A. I placed the pride sticker on my car, and there it stayed for two whole weeks. One day, sitting in my room at my parents, my older brother (brother #2) comes into my room and hollers, “Are you a &$@% faggot!” I sat there, stared at my computer screen, slowly turned around and calmly said, “Yes, as a mater of fact, I am.” Then I resumed what I was doing. After a few minutes I realized that as calm as I responded, I was too worked up to sit there, so I drove over to the near by University that I was, at the time, planning on attending.

It was a glorious weekend day and perfect for wandering around a campus. My wanding took me the common area, where the remains of sidewalk art were still present. The artwork had a theme of diversity, love, and tolerance, and it was perfect for balancing out my ruddy mood. Fortunately, this was one of those times I had my camera with me. Every so often I run across the photos, and they remind me of that day.


That same day I removed the sticker, and avoided anymore outbursts by it being there. I told my friends outright but I just couldn’t bring myself to do the same for family. The next family member that said something was brother #3, and this wasn’t for another year or so after the first. He was much calmer and simply asked, “are you gay? … oh, okay, thought so.”

It’s funny how you can misjudge people. I thought brother #2 would be the easy going one and #3 would have blown his top, but instead it was the other way around. And then more recently, I took one of my housemates with me to my sister’s (sister #1), to pick up some equipment, and she asked me, “is he a friend or a special friend?” I had no idea she knew, or would have picked up on something like that. Again, I have no sense of people.

Before that though, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and moved back to my parents. Before I could move in, I felt I needed to be upfront with them. I was tired of the word games, so I finally told them why I was moving back in such a hurry and how I had been openly gay for three years at that point. They took it much better then my fears, and now, while we don’t talk much about it, at least they know.

I don’t push my orientation on people, but if they ask about it or things get too confusing in word games, I have no problems with being open and telling it as it is. My coming out story is not exciting or explosive or glamorous, but it’s mine.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Dream Diary - Dissecting Dreams

So I decided to try this dream diary thing. I always have pretty lucid dreams but they always come in such randomness and frequency that I have only ever noted the really important ones, such as the “Space Dream” noted previously.

First thing I can note from last night, I have some pretty wild dreams. Secondly, I dream a lot. Finally, I am much too lazy to write about it when I first wake up. When my alarm goes off, the only thing I want to do is go back to sleep.

Last night’s series of dreaming included dreaming about a neighbor who also has a VW Beetle, like mine; only theirs was also a 1967 and was also yellow, when in reality it’s blue. They also had a yellow ’67 Beetle converted into a Baja, and a third yellow ’67 used into creating some kind of ATV/Baja. As I walked around and studied these creations, I noticed that the small grill on the front fenders were different on each one.

Obviously, this dream is focusing on how I am trying to find a replacement fender for my Beetle, and the small grill on the front fender makes the ’67 stand out from the other years, making it harder for me to find. So finding someone, in my dream, who has three of the rare 1967 beetle is pretty wild.


Since I didn’t take notes, I don’t remember the conversion between dreams, or what order they came in, but I defiantly had one dream where I was naked. I found myself in a pride center (gay center) at a school, and as I walked though the center I realized I was nude. No one noticed my nudity as I made my way though the offices, and as I came to the end of the hall I went though a door that lead me to unoccupied machine shop. I remember finding it funny that a pride center would have a machine shop in it. I realized as I exited the machine shop and entered the grounds, I had better find some clothes due to fearing getting arrested for public indecency. By the time I found my self near the school’s main office, I was decent once more.

I believe this dream was mostly focusing on my strong sexual drive (being nude), but also had major emphasis around the empty machine shop in the pride center. For me, it shows how much I don’t fit into the gay community, as I was the only one in the center who felt at home in the shop. Again, this relates to every day stresses as I once again question my orientation, only this time instead of wondering if I am gay, I am wondering if maybe I am following a fashion by being gay.


I also remember wandering the halls of a hospital, finding myself lost with the fire alarm going off. I remember knowing the way out, but having to take elevators and then stairs to get to the right level, 4th floor, to exit the building. There was more to this dream, mainly with wandering and running around, but as to why, I can’t say.


Even the notes I do have don’t help me. I made a note about “burning gasoline” but with a safety can that we use at work. Now I can’t remember why or how I was burning it… I am fairly sure it doesn’t have anything to do with the fire alarm though.

I will try to write about them first thing tomorrow… if I can get out of bed.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Courtship

What is the length of a proper courtship?

So I want to get to know someone before I become their ‘significant other’. I want to be able to break it off if a trait comes up that I feel like I can’t live with. How long can I date this person before they escalate the relationship into that “I love you” state?

At this point, with what I have learned in live, I know I do not want to move too fast. As a matter of fact, I think I just need to take a break from it all. There are a few mental states that I think I am going to take my time working out. The next 3 years of school might be enough. Or is a life time needed?

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