Thursday, May 13, 2010

Happiness

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. It really is all a matter of
perspective. Once upon a time, I worked for a small division of a
large government run company. Being one of my first full time jobs in
this world, I thought at the time that I could find something better
out there. Now, after working for half a dozen companies since then, I
realize that maybe what I had WAS the better job.

Is it all just hindsight? Maybe I have a good thing now, but I am just
too close to see it? Sure, the grass is always greener and all that
bullshit, but at some point you have to jump the fence and find out;
is the grass really greener, or not? Right now I feel like I have been
moving into drier and deader paddocks, not the green lushness I saw
from the other side. Maybe with a bit of work on my part, I can get
this spot to grow a nice lush green for myself; but then, do I want to
spend the effort working someone else's fields when I really have no
interest?

Then there is the part about interest. Not the money kind, but the
mental kind. If I am interested in something, and I mean passionately
and truly interested, I will talk about it all day long, and not care
how long I work on it for. So then, it is to my benefit to force
myself to become interested in someone else's project or idea just
because they pay me well to do so? Isn't the whole point of happiness
to find something I am honestly interested in from the start and work
on that, regardless of the pay?

Pay. Once upon a time, I made a lot less then I do now. I was a poor
college student. I went to class, I went home, I did homework if I
felt like it, and otherwise I did as I pleased. I never had enough
money, but somehow I got by. I enjoyed being with my friends, and even
though it wasn't, I want to remember life being simpler. I wasn't
without problems by any means: I would fail to do my homework, and
feel that I was letting myself down, the teachers down, or even my
parents down.

Somehow it still feels the same. Only, by there being a lack of work
for me to do, I feel like I am letting my coworkers down, or my boss
down. Is it my fault I can't find something to do that is within my
job? Is it my fault if someone else won't make time in their busy
schedule so that I can do my job and give them the assistance they
might not realize they need?

Maybe it is time for a career change. Last time I changed careers, it
was a move from a 'blue collar' job to a 'white collar' one. It seemed
like a very logical move; one that would put me in a position to
support myself though life and attain the items that I thought I
needed: a nicer car, a house, a family, and all those toys that I
thought I couldn't live without. Now though, I realize that the car I
have really isn't that bad and isn't that old, that the house I have
might not be what I had in mind but it is wonderful and plenty big
enough for all our needs, that there will always be more toys out
there to be had and maybe I don't need what I think I do, and that my
family will still love me even if I am not bringing home the most
money or have great benefits. Maybe it is time to move "backwards",
and maybe what some people consider a move backwards is really a move
forwards for me. Maybe it is time to leave the white collared shirts
for weddings and funerals and go back to wearing a shirt that has my
name on it and I am proud to wear.

What is happiness really but my own personal state of mind? It is
something that I must seek, and sadly, no one else can point me in the
right direction. I can only stumble along and hope that I find it in
time to truly enjoy it.

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