Your actions drive me crazy, but I love you so I don't nag. 

Game Night

Even with growing up with online games like Warcraft 2 and Diablo, I still feel like "family/friends game night" should include physical games like cards or dominos, not PlayStation. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Happiness

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. It really is all a matter of
perspective. Once upon a time, I worked for a small division of a
large government run company. Being one of my first full time jobs in
this world, I thought at the time that I could find something better
out there. Now, after working for half a dozen companies since then, I
realize that maybe what I had WAS the better job.

Is it all just hindsight? Maybe I have a good thing now, but I am just
too close to see it? Sure, the grass is always greener and all that
bullshit, but at some point you have to jump the fence and find out;
is the grass really greener, or not? Right now I feel like I have been
moving into drier and deader paddocks, not the green lushness I saw
from the other side. Maybe with a bit of work on my part, I can get
this spot to grow a nice lush green for myself; but then, do I want to
spend the effort working someone else's fields when I really have no
interest?

Then there is the part about interest. Not the money kind, but the
mental kind. If I am interested in something, and I mean passionately
and truly interested, I will talk about it all day long, and not care
how long I work on it for. So then, it is to my benefit to force
myself to become interested in someone else's project or idea just
because they pay me well to do so? Isn't the whole point of happiness
to find something I am honestly interested in from the start and work
on that, regardless of the pay?

Pay. Once upon a time, I made a lot less then I do now. I was a poor
college student. I went to class, I went home, I did homework if I
felt like it, and otherwise I did as I pleased. I never had enough
money, but somehow I got by. I enjoyed being with my friends, and even
though it wasn't, I want to remember life being simpler. I wasn't
without problems by any means: I would fail to do my homework, and
feel that I was letting myself down, the teachers down, or even my
parents down.

Somehow it still feels the same. Only, by there being a lack of work
for me to do, I feel like I am letting my coworkers down, or my boss
down. Is it my fault I can't find something to do that is within my
job? Is it my fault if someone else won't make time in their busy
schedule so that I can do my job and give them the assistance they
might not realize they need?

Maybe it is time for a career change. Last time I changed careers, it
was a move from a 'blue collar' job to a 'white collar' one. It seemed
like a very logical move; one that would put me in a position to
support myself though life and attain the items that I thought I
needed: a nicer car, a house, a family, and all those toys that I
thought I couldn't live without. Now though, I realize that the car I
have really isn't that bad and isn't that old, that the house I have
might not be what I had in mind but it is wonderful and plenty big
enough for all our needs, that there will always be more toys out
there to be had and maybe I don't need what I think I do, and that my
family will still love me even if I am not bringing home the most
money or have great benefits. Maybe it is time to move "backwards",
and maybe what some people consider a move backwards is really a move
forwards for me. Maybe it is time to leave the white collared shirts
for weddings and funerals and go back to wearing a shirt that has my
name on it and I am proud to wear.

What is happiness really but my own personal state of mind? It is
something that I must seek, and sadly, no one else can point me in the
right direction. I can only stumble along and hope that I find it in
time to truly enjoy it.

Funky New Job

January 4th 2010: Started my first day at my new job. By the end of the weekend (i worked my first weekend), I felt like complete crap. I was burnt out, wondering what the hell I got myself into and why I thought it was a good idea to leave my old job behind. I was suffering from major mental overload trying to deal with all the new ideas and processes, and it just was not fun.

 

Over the course of my second and third weeks, things really slowed down and I had a chance to catch up with myself. I knew there would still be some adjusting to have happen, and I figured I would eventually fall in and life would be cool again.

 

Now, almost 2 full months of working the new job... I am back to wondering what the heck I did. Oh sure, I am making more money, doing less work but life just isn't as cut and dry, isn't as simile as it was before.

 

I seemed to have fallen into a funk and I just don't know how to get out. I am aggravated over small things that I feel are out of my control, when in reality, if I learned how to fix it, I could solve it and be happy... but I just don't give a shit. I don't want to learn about it. This is my third job in this industry and I think it will be my last, I don't like doing this work, I don't like dealing with people in the way I need to. I would rather be doing what I love and not make a profit... if only I could pay the mortgage doing it, I would be set.

 

I figure I have about 5 years doing this, my goal by then is to have a business plan together, the money saved and finally be able to go into business for myself. I might be on anti-stress medication and ADD medication to keep focused and sane, but at least I will be doing what I love.

 

I hope it happens.

ADD or what?

About six months ago I started seeing a therapist. I have been entertaining the possibility for a while now that I might have ADD (Attention deficit disorder). I have no problem thinking of a great project (like blogging), getting started on it... but then at some point I just kind of forget about it. I guess in the rush of the next great idea, I never give myself the time to finish my last great idea.

 

Sometimes it is not even projects, like right now. I am eating lunch... well, eating lunch isn't as easy as making sandwiches and eating time... oh no! I stared at the cupboard until I finally remember what I went to do, got out the bread, thought "i need a knife", turned, saw the dirty dishes and thought "I should empty the dishwasher and reload it", started that, remembered lunch, got mad at myself, went back and finished the sandwiches, put the knife in the sink and emptied and loaded the dishwasher, then ate one sandwich while working on the computer... then remembered I had made two of them, so got back up and grabbed the second one... which right now is sitting next to me half eaten!

 

I would go back to my doctor and tell him "please give me an ADD medication to try", but I just got a new job which means a new doctor, which means I have to start the process of diagnosis all over again with the new one! ARG!!!!

I'm at it again!

Hey!

You've heard me talk about it, and if you haven't, here is your chance! I am riding my bicycle; yes a BICYCLE, 545 miles over 7 days from San Francisco to Los Angeles to raise money to fight AIDS. I have to raise $3,000 before May 8th, and at this moment I am at $700... a little short of my goal, but I am not worried, because I know with your help, I can make it!

Please, take a minute to donate today. You can read all about my dedication to this ride by going to my personal website at http://alc.kenheaps.com/, and then you can visit http://www.tofighthiv.org/goto/kenheaps to donate online. I usually ask for a $30 donation, but honestly, any amount is welcome and greatly appreciated.

Now, if you want to learn more about the ride in person, PLEASE come to our Team Colorado fundraising party on Thursday, April 9th at 6pm. It will be held at the Oriental Theater in the Highlands in Denver, Colorado. There will be entertainment, silent auctions, and great people, so come join us. Check out the details and RSVP though the Evite below.

Please pass this on to your friends, you will get good karma from it, I promise!

Thank you for your past, present, and future support!

Ken Heaps

- - - - -
Ken Heaps
AIDS/LifeCycle - 7 Days - 545 Miles
Learn more at http://www.kenheaps.com/alc

News Clip - A March for Gay Rights

To My Family: (who lives in California and are Mormans)

I wanted to share this news clip with you, it is about a march that R. and I took part in to repeal California Prop 8 and the other amendments that ban same-sex marriage. You can see R.'s choir and choir director at the beginning signing a song that they performed during their last performance. We marched about a mile though downtown, with a police escort, making traffic wait until we were done. It was a very powerful experience and it was for a cause we feel deeply about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nID6uS0yLw

For those who voted No on 8, I thank you very much for your support and for trying to help us work toward equality. For those who voted Yes; I value your choice although I don't fully understand why you made it. Please take a minute to watch this video from the TV show "Countdown" by Keith Olbermann and to reflect: Has gay marriage really affected your life at all in the last six months that it has been legal? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FapFXSoBMaQ (Fixed Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HpTBF6EfxY)

Thank you