Programmable

Happiness

2010-05-13T13:37:00.001-07:00

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. It really is all a matter of
perspective. Once upon a time, I worked for a small division of a
large government run company. Being one of my first full time jobs in
this world, I thought at the time that I could find something better
out there. Now, after working for half a dozen companies since then, I
realize that maybe what I had WAS the better job.

Is it all just hindsight? Maybe I have a good thing now, but I am just
too close to see it? Sure, the grass is always greener and all that
bullshit, but at some point you have to jump the fence and find out;
is the grass really greener, or not? Right now I feel like I have been
moving into drier and deader paddocks, not the green lushness I saw
from the other side. Maybe with a bit of work on my part, I can get
this spot to grow a nice lush green for myself; but then, do I want to
spend the effort working someone else's fields when I really have no
interest?

Then there is the part about interest. Not the money kind, but the
mental kind. If I am interested in something, and I mean passionately
and truly interested, I will talk about it all day long, and not care
how long I work on it for. So then, it is to my benefit to force
myself to become interested in someone else's project or idea just
because they pay me well to do so? Isn't the whole point of happiness
to find something I am honestly interested in from the start and work
on that, regardless of the pay?

Pay. Once upon a time, I made a lot less then I do now. I was a poor
college student. I went to class, I went home, I did homework if I
felt like it, and otherwise I did as I pleased. I never had enough
money, but somehow I got by. I enjoyed being with my friends, and even
though it wasn't, I want to remember life being simpler. I wasn't
without problems by any means: I would fail to do my homework, and
feel that I was letting myself down, the teachers down, or even my
parents down.

Somehow it still feels the same. Only, by there being a lack of work
for me to do, I feel like I am letting my coworkers down, or my boss
down. Is it my fault I can't find something to do that is within my
job? Is it my fault if someone else won't make time in their busy
schedule so that I can do my job and give them the assistance they
might not realize they need?

Maybe it is time for a career change. Last time I changed careers, it
was a move from a 'blue collar' job to a 'white collar' one. It seemed
like a very logical move; one that would put me in a position to
support myself though life and attain the items that I thought I
needed: a nicer car, a house, a family, and all those toys that I
thought I couldn't live without. Now though, I realize that the car I
have really isn't that bad and isn't that old, that the house I have
might not be what I had in mind but it is wonderful and plenty big
enough for all our needs, that there will always be more toys out
there to be had and maybe I don't need what I think I do, and that my
family will still love me even if I am not bringing home the most
money or have great benefits. Maybe it is time to move "backwards",
and maybe what some people consider a move backwards is really a move
forwards for me. Maybe it is time to leave the white collared shirts
for weddings and funerals and go back to wearing a shirt that has my
name on it and I am proud to wear.

What is happiness really but my own personal state of mind? It is
something that I must seek, and sadly, no one else can point me in the
right direction. I can only stumble along and hope that I find it in
time to truly enjoy it.

Funky New Job

2010-02-25T08:34:00.001-08:00

January 4th 2010: Started my first day at my new job. By the end of the weekend (i worked my first weekend), I felt like complete crap. I was burnt out, wondering what the hell I got myself into and why I thought it was a good idea to leave my old job behind. I was suffering from major mental overload trying to deal with all the new ideas and processes, and it just was not fun.

Over the course of my second and third weeks, things really slowed down and I had a chance to catch up with myself. I knew there would still be some adjusting to have happen, and I figured I would eventually fall in and life would be cool again.

Now, almost 2 full months of working the new job... I am back to wondering what the heck I did. Oh sure, I am making more money, doing less work but life just isn't as cut and dry, isn't as simile as it was before.

I seemed to have fallen into a funk and I just don't know how to get out. I am aggravated over small things that I feel are out of my control, when in reality, if I learned how to fix it, I could solve it and be happy... but I just don't give a shit. I don't want to learn about it. This is my third job in this industry and I think it will be my last, I don't like doing this work, I don't like dealing with people in the way I need to. I would rather be doing what I love and not make a profit... if only I could pay the mortgage doing it, I would be set.

I figure I have about 5 years doing this, my goal by then is to have a business plan together, the money saved and finally be able to go into business for myself. I might be on anti-stress medication and ADD medication to keep focused and sane, but at least I will be doing what I love.

I hope it happens.

ADD or what?

2010-02-10T11:12:00.001-08:00

About six months ago I started seeing a therapist. I have been entertaining the possibility for a while now that I might have ADD (Attention deficit disorder). I have no problem thinking of a great project (like blogging), getting started on it... but then at some point I just kind of forget about it. I guess in the rush of the next great idea, I never give myself the time to finish my last great idea.

Sometimes it is not even projects, like right now. I am eating lunch... well, eating lunch isn't as easy as making sandwiches and eating time... oh no! I stared at the cupboard until I finally remember what I went to do, got out the bread, thought "i need a knife", turned, saw the dirty dishes and thought "I should empty the dishwasher and reload it", started that, remembered lunch, got mad at myself, went back and finished the sandwiches, put the knife in the sink and emptied and loaded the dishwasher, then ate one sandwich while working on the computer... then remembered I had made two of them, so got back up and grabbed the second one... which right now is sitting next to me half eaten!

I would go back to my doctor and tell him "please give me an ADD medication to try", but I just got a new job which means a new doctor, which means I have to start the process of diagnosis all over again with the new one! ARG!!!!

I'm at it again!

2009-03-31T21:33:00.001-07:00

Hey!

You've heard me talk about it, and if you haven't, here is your chance! I am riding my bicycle; yes a BICYCLE, 545 miles over 7 days from San Francisco to Los Angeles to raise money to fight AIDS. I have to raise $3,000 before May 8th, and at this moment I am at $700... a little short of my goal, but I am not worried, because I know with your help, I can make it!

Please, take a minute to donate today. You can read all about my dedication to this ride by going to my personal website at http://alc.kenheaps.com/, and then you can visit http://www.tofighthiv.org/goto/kenheaps to donate online. I usually ask for a $30 donation, but honestly, any amount is welcome and greatly appreciated.

Now, if you want to learn more about the ride in person, PLEASE come to our Team Colorado fundraising party on Thursday, April 9th at 6pm. It will be held at the Oriental Theater in the Highlands in Denver, Colorado. There will be entertainment, silent auctions, and great people, so come join us. Check out the details and RSVP though the Evite below.

Please pass this on to your friends, you will get good karma from it, I promise!

Thank you for your past, present, and future support!

Ken Heaps

- - - - -
Ken Heaps
AIDS/LifeCycle - 7 Days - 545 Miles
Learn more at http://www.kenheaps.com/alc

News Clip - A March for Gay Rights

2008-11-17T15:21:00.001-08:00

To My Family: (who lives in California and are Mormans)

I wanted to share this news clip with you, it is about a march that R. and I took part in to repeal California Prop 8 and the other amendments that ban same-sex marriage. You can see R.'s choir and choir director at the beginning signing a song that they performed during their last performance. We marched about a mile though downtown, with a police escort, making traffic wait until we were done. It was a very powerful experience and it was for a cause we feel deeply about. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nID6uS0yLw

For those who voted No on 8, I thank you very much for your support and for trying to help us work toward equality. For those who voted Yes; I value your choice although I don't fully understand why you made it. Please take a minute to watch this video from the TV show "Countdown" by Keith Olbermann and to reflect: Has gay marriage really affected your life at all in the last six months that it has been legal? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FapFXSoBMaQ (Fixed Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HpTBF6EfxY)

Thank you

Yahoo Pipes and Craigslist

2008-05-05T10:21:00.001-07:00

Being the Craigslist addict that I am, I finally decided that there must be a better way to search the website... it is so basic and simple that it drives any computer programmer insane when they try to use it.

I found it: Yahoo Pipes. With the help of the fellow who wrote this article: http://www.witigonen.com/2007/10/29/how-actually-search-craigslist/, I learned about Yahoo Pipes and how it works to search webpages and edit the content for your own use... you can even translate foreign languages with it!

I love what it is doing for me... I spend a lot less time on Criagslist, but get a lot more done.

In Memory

2008-02-12T19:24:00.001-08:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I'm not there I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints of snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

Dreams

2008-01-31T04:37:00.001-08:00

Been having a lot of strange dreams lately, and a hard time sleeping. I would like to say it is not affecting me, but it really is. I think I figured out that I am trying to sleep too much, so can't get a solid nights sleep... for once I just need to stay awake more!

Bathtub Brewery

2008-01-06T20:32:00.001-08:00

http://www.quaffale.org.uk/php/brewery/898

Damn, all the good names are taken... still looking for a name for our home brew beer. Currently kicking around the idea of Clawfoot Brewery, since there is a clawfoot bathtub in our 'brewing room' (aka, the spare bathroom).

We have already nixed the Four Paw name as it is two widely used, and a few others...

Anthracite Coal Forum

2008-01-06T20:28:00.001-08:00

Wondered across this while looking for something completely different: http://www.nepadigital.com/bb/

At first I was a little shocked that people still use coal in their homes, but then I realized that in some places it might be the most economical method to heat...

Perks of the Job

2007-11-20T20:37:00.001-08:00

Perks of the Job:

1. 32 hour work week

2. Company cell phone can be used for personal use

3. Business cards! (This is a first)

4. My name on the door! (This is a first)

5. Soda machine w/ name brand sodas for only $0.25

6. Medical and Dentist coverage

7. No probation period, full coverages starts on day 1.

8. They pay for books related to the job, including any needed for certifications

9. Minor raise given for completing schooling

10. Laptop

11. Get to use work software on home computers

12. Snow Days (if the schools are closed, so are we)

Down Falls:

1. No eye doctor coverage

2. Can be put on probation at any time

There are a lot more for both categories, maybe I will add them when I think about it.

New Job

2007-11-12T16:47:00.001-08:00

So it begins again. New job, new town, new house... I am lucky to have the same boyfriend this time though. I don't know what I would do without him; I definitely would not be where I am now.

The new job is very cool. I am now a system administrator for a small IT department in a smallish Non-Profit organization. I am looking forward to spending a couple of years or more with them; really giving myself a chance to sink into the IT world and learn a lot. They will even help with my certifications and schooling, which I am looking forward to.

The new town is awesome. I love living here so far. Colder then I am used to, but so far that is not hindering anything. Everyone is super nice and friendly, which is a nice change from some of the old places I have lived.

The new house is nice in a lot of ways, but it does have little quirks. The sewer line backed up this morning... turned out the roots grow into it and it needs to be cleaned out every year. We just got lucky I guess... there are other things that make me happy we are renting and didn't buy it, but I know that even with a bought house there will always be things that come up.

I know it has been a long time since I wrote here... but I have moved and moved and moved... now that I am a little more settled, I will try to send more notes.

Employment

2007-03-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

New Job. New Boyfriend. New City. New State. New Friends. New Career. New Life.

A lot of changes in the world of ME. An old friend and I decided that we were tired of being in and out of bad relationships and wanted to try a bad relationship together... or if we are real lucky, maybe even a good one! Since he moved out of state a year ago for a new promising career, this means I get to move also. Just got hired today for my new job, no pay raise from my old one, but it is a good company with steady hours and lots of promise to move up.

This also means I get to integrate in with all of his friends and hopefully make some of my own. I tend to dislike the online communities, but they are a good place to meet new people, so I might just be diving back into them.

On a sad note, I hate the idea of living so far from family. My parents health isn't what it used to be, and I feel like I need to be close to them. At least they will still be with in driving distance (~5 Hours)... and I know I need to look after my happiness first, right? I will still miss being close to them...

So thats whats new. Just thought I would finally post...

ciao.

Australia Burns!

2007-01-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

My Home away from home has been burning for the last month, and I am only now hearing about it! What's the deal with world news? I love this area, it is gorgeous rain forest and wonderful camping territory. The fire line is only a hop and skip from the community I lived in, Sale, Victoria. (lower right on the map)

The Face of Tomorrow

2006-12-03T14:41:00.000-08:00

The Face of Tomorrow?

There was a short SciFi story along these lines… Can’t remember the name now, but it covered the same ideas.

Who needs hell?

2006-11-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

I already have it; hell, that is. The specialist visit did nothing for me today... I now get to look forward to a proper 7-hour hospital visit with weeks of recovery time... and THEN more visits to the specialist.

So exciting!

Forty-Two

2006-11-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

Loving It!

2006-11-08T20:04:00.000-08:00

Loving it!

If I went to church, I think it would have to be a "United Church"... for example, this is from an advert campaign put on by the United Church of Canada. They are showing the issues they believe in, but also getting people to do a 'second take' on their ads... they are in hopes to bring people in to their pews as attendance is declining, but I am just happy to see a church use common scene.

Programmable: November

2006-11-02T17:46:00.000-08:00

Remembering last November; well, I guess my bad months happen 11 months apart, as this year October was my bad month. It all revolves around a medical issue that hopefully will soon be resolved and hopefully life will go back to normal. I am not going to get into the details here, but needless to say, it has not been fun and I hope it never repeats itself.

It Lives!

2006-10-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

Finally something goes right: the installation of the new distributor into the VW was a success! Now maybe I can finally sell it! I even have someone who wants to test drive it… I just have to drive it 50 miles so he can do so… and pray that it makes it. *fingers crossed*

Repression

2006-10-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

I find it funny that even when feeling god awfully ill; if you are not willing to share the news of the illness, then you must respond positively to people’s queries of your wellbeing.

The birds and the bees

2006-10-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

The birds and the bees... well son, it goes like this... err, umm, maybe that's a bad example.

the room

2006-10-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

a room can look so very much larger when the bulky frienture is moved out and view comes from the floor...

Beats moving the furniture

2006-10-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

2006-10-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Now do you understand?

"A September 6, 2000 NASA image of the (now) 2nd largest ozone hole ever over Antartica is shown in this undated file photo. A satellite has detected record losses of ozone over Antarctica this year, the European Space Agency (ESA) said on Monday, further damaging the shield that protects the Earth from cancer-causing ultraviolet rays." Copyright Reuters

Fast Food

2006-10-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Fast Food

Could I please just visit a fast-food drive-thru WITHOUT being interrupted?! They always cut in when I am trying to order, and if they just waited they would get all the information they need!

Arg.

Twins

2006-09-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

Twins

Australian Medicine

2006-09-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

Australian Medicine

(Don't worry, one drink every six months is a
large enough dose for me... so I won't be breaking
my own "D" rule and becoming a Drunk).

Scared

2006-09-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

I am actually kind of happy being in school this term. So far I am enjoying my classes and while they are requiring a LOT of work, I feel like I am really getting something worthwhile out of them.

It’s the rest of my life that I feel is taking a shit. I am not sure what needs to be changed or how big the change should be. On one end of the spectrum I want to just drop life and hit restart: travel and work as I go, or move someplace new and start over. On the other hand maybe it’s just a small problem that is the key… but what is it? The job? The love life? What do I need to fix?

I am afraid that I have made major mistakes in the last couple of years, but I can’t be sure. I know for sure that I don’t want to make mistakes like that again… and I am afraid that some of the things I am thinking of possibilities might turn into one of those mistakes.

Isn’t someone supposed to hold my hand through this life?

First Days

2006-09-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Yey! First day of school is done… just 22 more days of instruction to go! (or 10 weeks of pure hell, depending on how you look at it). Everything worked out well though, so nothing major to complain about. I just wish I had more time for a heavier class load. (aka, be done sooner).

YouTube Wandering

2006-09-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Yea, I have been killing time on YouTube again... I figure it's okay since I don't watch regular TV anyway.

Bad Quote

2006-08-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

At the bottom of an email, someone put, "We all can't be heroes, someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by". I'm sorry, I can't agree. I feel we all have the potential to be heroes in one way or another, from small things to large. Don't cop out and sit on the curb; get up and do something for someone else and become a hero.
-K.

THE LIVING END - IN CONCERT !!!

2006-08-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

Saw The Living End live last night at the House of Blues... it was an awesome show, and listening now to their new CD, "State of Emergency", which I am totally LOVING! I even got a signed CD!!!

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

2006-08-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

1. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

2. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

3. The United States should get out of the United Nations; our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

5. Jesus loves you and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies ("that's old Europe") then expect their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A President lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A President lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business, nor are Dick Cheney's task force discussions with energy industry our business either.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

CPP Among The 100 Best Campuses For LGBT Students

2006-08-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Cal Poly Pomona has been recognized as one of the nation's best campuses for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) students. The university will be featured in The Advocate College Guide for LGBT Students, the first comprehensive campus guide to highlight the 100 most LGBT-friendly campuses in the United States.
http://polycentric.csupomona.edu/news.asp?id=1312

2006-07-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't mind the idea of having a kid if he turned out as cute as this one...

Good Moods are Good to Have

2006-07-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

Good Moods are Good to Have

Two Vacations, One Concert, Zero Boyfriends. Well… can’t have everything I suppose. But the two Vacations are definitely putting me in a good mood… even if they are short.

Arizona, here I come!

the bicycle

2006-07-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

I like having my bicycle in my room. It stares at me. Asks me, “Why don’t you ride me?” Makes me feel guilty. I think I will ride it tomorrow morning. I am defiantly going to cycle to work on Monday.

Lazy day...

2006-07-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

Lazy day… but I did manage to mow the yard, and booked a flight to Nashville to visit my friend J. Yey! Can’t wait to see him again, I have missed him so much since he moved out there for work.

So that’s two trips for me for the summer. Taking a road trip in two weeks to Phoenix to visit R. Then flying to Nashville in late August for J. I’m totally excited for both, I can’t wait!

Welcome to My Hometown

2006-07-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

My Hometown:

Yes. I am VERY serious. We were number one in the '80s, and they supposedly took care of the problem in the early '90s, but as far as I know, we never left the top 10. We are now back for a number of reasons, including the development of warehouses on land that was previously dairy farms. Supposedly, this mix of cow exhaust and diesel exhaust is creating a new kind of super pollution. Sounds like a fun place to live doesn't it?

Those of you who have lived here or grew up here know the truth. We are the unhealthiest place to live in the nation, and if this article isn't enough, I have one word for you: Stringfellow. It sends chills down me when I hear that name, as have spent 90% of my life with in 2 miles of those waste ponds.

If I may quote a local developer: "The right to breathe clean air is not a right as defined by statute. It's a luxury."

Thanks for reading,
Ken

The Cleanup

2006-07-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

Helped a friend clean up her backyard. This is a little movie splice + slide show of the day.

Picking a Major...

2006-06-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Should be easy to guess who I feel like:

A mix of emotions... needing to reach out...

2006-06-24T22:29:00.000-07:00

A mix of emotions… needing to reach out…

I am feeling incredibly emotionally sensitive right now. The smallest thing can send this sad torrent of feelings rushing though me. I can name a dozen factors as to what it may be linked to, or more likely, all of them working together to put me in this state.

I find myself reaching out to old friends and trying to make new ones. Just looking for someone, anyone, to talk to… more then anything, I feel the need for some kind of companionship. Then I realize that it can’t be just anyone; it has to be that special someone. As time wears on, my barriers fall: sex, age, mutual interest. Finally I end up just looking for someone with whom I “click”. Only hoping that my realization that I have found the one, does not startle them and spook them off.

I find myself unable to focus on school, work, or any kind of personal life… instead focusing on taking care of that inner drive to find a companion. In the past, as I have found a possible someone, I find failure in the end: they are not single, I stupidly break it off, or they get a job and move.

I tell myself to stop looking and to focus on something else, but I can’t. I can’t suppress that drive, that desire, for someone else in my life.

Serious fungal infections of the eye on the rise

2006-06-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

Reuters Health

Dream Diary - First Contact

2006-06-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Dream Diary – First Contact Between Species

I should have woken up and written this one sooner, but I ended up sleeping more.

On the home world of the slightly humanoid alien species number one, there is a world conference taking place. The ‘congress’ is sitting in adobe seats in an open air amphitheater, while the world leader and his security are up in an adobe tower, with a very large open balcony. These are moderately advanced creatures, but have yet to achieve space travel and still use adobe as their main building material. Each building has a tall smoke stack coming off the top.

As the leader is giving his long dull speech, his congress his falling asleep on him. In the middle of his droning, the balcony lights up in a line of fire shooting straight for him. The leader and his security dive to the side just as a space craft materializes and lands were he stood.

A representative comes out of the craft. This species also looks humanoid, but not on the same level as the first. The security in the rear of the chamber make aggressive moves toward him, but the representative quickly draws a weapon and paralyzes them. He then walks forward toward the opening, and using the silence that the shock of the landing produced he starts to talk to them in their own language. He explains to them how this is a turning point in their history, and through their history, the whole galaxies history. He tells of how half their population has a genetic anomaly that allows them to be controlled vocally. In the uproar, a small black object flies toward him from his ship; he places this in his mouth and then speaks one sharp command. At this, half the audience springs to their feet, standing at attention straight as a board. This sudden movement causes everyone to fall deathly silent.

Quietly giving the release command, he continues his speech over the murmurs in the crowd, explaining the need to overcome this genetic difference and how they need to prepare themselves against their would-be controllers. He talks of both basic local defenses, such as using their adobe chimneys as back doors with ladders, and of global high tech defenses.

Once again, I awoke before the dream could continue… so I have yet another segment of some future story. I swear that one day I am going to write something that contains all of these in one way or another.

AIDS LifeCycle 5

2006-06-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

AIDS/LifeCycle 5

San Francisco to Los Angeles
7 Days
585 Miles
400 Roadies
1840 Riders
$8,000,000 Fundraised (so far)

The AIDS/LifeCycle was once again an amazing adventure. This year I decided to go as a roadie, and managed to land in the team of my first choice: the sweep team. My fellow sweepers were all awesome people, not soon to be forgotten. Everyone had a wonderfully themed vehicle, ours being Scooby Doo’s “The Mystery Machine”.

Riding a bicycle from San Francisco to Los Angeles over seven days is no easy task, but as I learned last year, with a great support crew and lots of training, it is completely possible. This year, I learned that the support crews, driving up and down the route offering help to stranded cyclists, have just as hard of a job. They are putting in 10 hour days behind the wheel, driving nearly 1000 miles as they loop the route over and over again, averaging speeds of around 20 miles an hour as locals fly by with the horn blaring.

Being sweep gave a real behind the scenes experience for me. As a rider, all you have to focus on is keeping your body and mind fueled and in shape to get from stop to stop and camp to camp. As sweep, I found that I was a driver, designer, mechanic, medic, counselor, cheerleader, food server and even egg layer. As a roadie, the job doesn’t end when the shift is over or when the assignment is done. With 2200 people around, there is always something that needs to be done or some team that needs help. One team captain, after working in logistics and support all day, would spend his night’s severing food in the kitchen tent. Another captain and crew didn’t have a job for the day, so ended up helping four other crews instead.

One of the greatest parts about being on the Sweep Team is the people I got to meet. My number one of course is Jennie, my sweep partner. We hit it off so well, it’s just scary, and now she is defiantly in my small group of best friends. If she registers as a roadie for next year, then we are going to try to get on the sweep team together again.

In the BunnyLove sweep van, was Ken and Midori. If the cyclists thought Jennie and I were married/partners, they defiantly thought that of Team BunnyLove, as they wrote Ken + Midori on the back window… plus, it’s Team BunnyLove, I mean, come on.

Ken is a wonderful straight guy who has been supporting the ride for years, either as a rider or as part of the sweep team. I loved the chances we had to talk and eat together, and I am going to miss my 6 am wake up call when he would knock on my van window.

Midori. One name. World renowned. Haven’t heard of her? Honestly, I had not either until I joined the sweep roadie team. She really is world famous, in a specialized communities. She has a degree in psychology and her fourth book will be published in a month. She was a thrill to work with and always knows how to make a group of people smile and laugh. Before, during and after her shift as a sweeper, she also helped media relations by blogging during the ride and interviewing other roadies and riders. She managed to corner myself and some of my fellow sweepers for an interview of “why we are here”. You can see this one and more at her ALC page. Direct link to her interview of us can be found here: Post 2 - 2:49pm.

Picking stranded riders up and driving them to the next rest stop was a great chance to meet them and get to know them. Every one was unique and had a great story to tell as to why they were there or how their ride had gone so far.

Tony is on the top of my mind as I just finished reading his blog about how we picked him up. Jennie and I had just gotten in the back of a very long line on day 2 for fried artichoke hearts, or fried avocados, as I would commonly call miss name them. ALC communications called me asking my location and told me that I was the closest empty sweep vehicle to respond to a lost rider. A quick trip down the 1 freeway put us in Monterey, and we quickly found Tony standing on the corner with his bicycle embarrassed but smiling. We drove him back to the nearest stop, lunch, and dropped him off, quickly grabbing lunch ourselves and getting back on the road. His detour, plus having to re-ride the miles out of lunch added about 15 miles for his day making for a 120 mile day.

Linda is a very nice young looking lady from back east. She is a 6th grade school teacher, and always had a smile for us. She had clip problems on day 1 or 2, and we got her to the bike mechanics. After that, we would see her almost daily, fortunately though, never with her being inside our sweep van. We were even graced with her smile and good humor during lunch on the last day.

I am awful with names, and I swear to myself that next year I am going to have a note book with me to take notes and do daily voice or written blogs. I have so many stories of so many other picked up riders, but which story goes with which face, and who’s name is who’s makes it almost impossible to tell them properly.

Randy B., Jennie’s boyfriend, was also a cyclist on the ride. One morning as I left camp to pick Jennie up from her hotel, he rode by and hollered a hello to me. I was kind of in a tired reclusive mood, but seeing him reminded me how Jennie said that he sings “the bicycle song” every morning. So I grabbed the Altoids can and played “Bicycle Race” by Queen. I then rolled all the windows down and cranked the stereo. At least one in every three riders that passed me as I waited in traffic started either nodding their head to the music or started singing along. I call this the Pay It Forward principle: Randy saying hello therefore bringing me out of my mood, I paid it forward by getting a great cycling song suck in the heads of at least a dozen riders as they left camp for the day.

I can’t even begin to touch on the emotional stories that surround the ride each year. It is something that is hard to write about and hard to talk about; it can only be truly experienced by participating on the ride itself. I have been a lucky one, I have yet to bury a friend due to AIDS, and know only a few people who have HIV/AIDS. That’s why I participate and am focusing more and more of my life to this bicycle ride. I focus because it is not just a simple bike ride, it is 2500 people working for one cause: to end AIDS. As the AIDS epidemic enters its 25th year, the AIDS/Lifecycle themed this year’s ride “Not Another 25 Years”. I can only pray that in another 25 years I will still be able to say that I have yet to lose a loved one to AIDS.

Just one more day...

2006-05-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

Just one more day. Today I have a test, then two midterms, and then a final, and then at around 4pm, I will finally be free of the chains of education for the summer. … It’s really not that bad, it’s just that I crammed all of my finals and midterms into the last week so I could go on the AIDS/LifeCycle again. Let me tell you though. This charity bicycle ride is more then worth the efforts, the emotional experience I get from it each year is like no other. It’s almost like it recharges my batteries so I can handle another year until it comes around again. Packing tonight, work tomorrow, then heading for San Francisco Friday morning! Yey!

Dream Diary - The Boy and the Spirit

2006-05-29T15:36:00.000-07:00

Dream Diary - The Boy and the Spirit

I had a pretty wild and vivid dream last night, so I wanted to share it here. Hopefully I can remember all the parts and explain it correctly.

The story starts in a Harry Potter like setting. A special school set up in a large castle, were the young students have specific studies. The main character is a wiz with electronics and builds a small hand held electronic device that produces an energy bubble, almost force field like, about 7 feet in diameter, and about 20 to 30 feet in front of him. His friend and he decide to try it out by having the friend stand were the bubble will appear and turning it on. Once inside the activated bubble, they experiment with moving around, realizing that they can move at the same pace and keep the friend inside the bubble. They start running down the large gothic hallway, going faster and faster until they are running as fast as they can, the friend in the bubble and him behind with the controller.

Inside this castle school is a large cylindrical chamber, with a stone bridge spanning the middle supported at both ends and without railings. The chamber itself is well over 300 feet across, and has a perfectly domed ceiling, but seemingly no floor as it is too dark to see it. In their efforts to run as fast as they can, our two friends find themselves in the middle of this chamber without realizing it. Once our main character, in the back with the controller, realizes were he is and stops running, pausing at the center of the bridge, while his friend runs on with out realizing he lost his follower. As he stands there, he takes a peak over the edge, but looses his balance and falls. Just in time he is able to grab the edge, only to slip. Instantly, he uses the sphere producing electronic device he has, but it only teases him by holding him there for a moment before he falls for the last time, disappearing in a flash of green light.

The occupant of this room is something very similar to an Ent, the large tree folk from Lord of the Rings, looking like a large tree with a couple small human features. Our main character finds himself possessing this Ent, but on a spiritual level, not the physical side, turning him into a free floating spirit.

The dream then cuts to a scene outside of the castle school, in a city nearby, where our spirit is watching people run though their day with out being seen. He watches as a criminal and his friend commit a crime, but as the criminal tries to escape our spirit stops him with a physically disabling blow, but also reveals himself in the process. The spirit hits the friend so hard that he ends up in the back seat of a nearby car, but is still conscious. Then as the spirit resumes his attention on the first criminal, the second one manages to shoot him with some kind of large caliber weapon from the backseat. The spirit disappears and the first criminal thanks his friend for saving him. Then the dream ends, without knowing what happened to the main character / spirit.

16mm Film Project

2006-05-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I finally got the film converted to DVD, and now have finally gotten it onto the computer where I can actually do something with it. Here is a fun little chapter from it. 1955, florida at the beach.

Oh god and I thought

2006-05-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Oh god and I thought it would be over soon…

To do list: final exam, sleep, work, dentist, auto shop, back to work, home, sleep, school, home, study, sleep, work, sleep, school, study, weekend!, study, sleep, work, sleep, test, double midterm then final, then done!!!!

I hate school, life used to be so much easier: work, relax, and sleep. That was it.

Aussie Trip '99 (Later Entries)

2006-05-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

Found some more, these entries are dated and I didn't really see anything too incriminating in them. It's an interesting look into my past, so well, enjoy! Once again, I didn't edit anything, even left all the obvious spelling mistakes. - "Future" Ken

---

This is kind of a diary of my thoughts and experiences... I wonder how often I will remember to write in it. It also kind of consists of my musings and maybe story lines that I think in my head and need a place to write down.

Thursday, August 26, 1999

About 11:00 am
Sitting in class I can’t fail to notice a massive headache that has befallen me. So I ask a friend for Panadol and go get a drink of water. Since the water seemed to help a little, I was happier on the way back to class. As I pass two girls I smile at them only to here one say to her friend, “That guy is smiling at me” and her friend reply with a single comment: “Wanker.” (Being called a ‘wanker’ is a form of distaste toward some one.) Now, I though I was just being nice and giving someone a smile... but I guess this society has deteriorated further then I knew. Gee, when a guy can’t smile and show that he is happy, it is a sad world to live in.
I also felt like showing them a bit of my sign language skills, but they were facing the other way.

About 11:40 am
At this moment all I can feel is a BANG! .... BANG! ... BANG!, as a blood vessel pulses against the side of my head.... I guess that water and Panadol didn’t really heap my headache.

At 11:50 am
I am just looking at the coding technique called ‘Gödelized language’, it seems that it would be quite easy to create a program that would incode the message, but that it might be a small problem to decode it.... this is the same thing that the book said.

Friday, August 27, 1999

Life is strange. In the entire first seventeen years of my life, I was always a loner… or at least I felt like a loner. I remember the schools in the USA; you always had to prove yourself one way or another. For some people they were naturally popular in primary school, and it carried on to their further schooling years.

Looking back on it now, I see a few things that would have helped for making me more popular or liked by my peers. Then again, at this moment in time I kind of like the way life has turned out. Like they say, you have 20-20 vision in hindsight.

Anyway, what I was driving at is that when everyone around you knows who you are and what you were in the past, you have little chance of changing their views. Then, when you move to a new place where no one knows you, you have a chance to be who you truly are with out the criticisms from people about past experiences.

I am basing these observations both on personal experiences and on the other people I see around me. For me, I wasn’t necessarily a “loser”, but I most defiantly was not extremely popular. By the time senior year in high school came around, I might have known quite a few people but that was only because I have lived in the same place my whole life. I think I had only gone on one date much less ever had a ‘relationship’, and I had been to very few parties.

With this all added up, it is easy to see why I found it easy to get up and leave it all for a chance of a lifetime. I heard about the opportunity to go to Australia when half listening to the school announcements. Since I left halfway through year 12, I missed Prom, Winter Formal, Graduation, parties, grad night and much more. The thing is that I wouldn’t have known who to take to prom and winter formal, and I never knew how to act at parties. While graduation and other events are only a small sacrifice for a year in another country.

I am currently seven or eight months into my exchange program, and so far it has been wonderful compared to my ‘old life’. I have been able to act without restrictions, not having to worry about what parents will think or if they will find out about things that I do. At this age I am almost a legal adult, and I feel like I can experience life without worrying about what my parents think or having them worrying over me. Also, I have been able to experience life for what it has to offer. I have found that it is possible to enjoy the here and now with out wishing it being another time or place.

As I am writing this I get a slight feeling of rambling on, but that is how I have decided to write this diary. I am doing it this way because it allows me to write done my thoughts easier. Plus, very few people will read this aside form myself… I hope.

Monday, August 30, 1999

Dear Ken’s diary,

Hey- I’m Kris. I wonder if he’s said anything ‘bout me…. Hmmmm. Well, I’m a ‘them’, as will Ken be again- even if he doesn’t think so yet- I have my ways…. *raises eyebrows*

Ken’s being a smart arse. Let’s ignore him- shall we??? Okay- so you kinda can’t. But will- mark me words.

Hmmmmmmmm. SMART ARSE ALERT!!! *giggles on the inside, while keeping a straight face*

The person over there ---( looks like a gal I knew in Perth that died. She even has the same name- so I’m spooked. She has shorter hair though. I guess if you’d came back from the dead, you’d cut your hair too, huh??

Ken’s still being a SMART ARSE!! AUGHHHHHHHH!!! (It is spelt ASS -ken) SEE???

Bye!!

Love, Miss Kriss. Xxoooo.

Tuesday, August 31, 1999

Kristen Brown, a Morman girl that goes to my school, made yesterday’s diary entry. (She is the only Morman teenager in a one hundred-kilometer radius of the area). I guess I am seeing her, well like we are REALLY good friends but we also do things that couples do like kissing and teasing each other and that type of thing. So, yea we are going out with each other.

She used to live in Perth where she was active in the church but when she moved to Sale with such a small congregation, she went inactive. That’s why I like her because even though she is now going back a little, she knows what it is like outside and in with the church. Not very many, if any, people know just what it is like to rebel after growing up LDS, but she does. We just have so much that we are able to talk about and she is the one girl that I know that I can feel completely comfortable around.

Wednesday, September 01, 1999

(Edited on Monday, 6 September 1999)
Life can be so confusing… hmm, I wonder if I am even able to explain. [SNIP!] Oops! Sorry, that’s where I cut out all that wonderful stuff that I really wish I could just forget… like that small party at Jenny Clines… So I cut out my entry. I hope my future self will forgive me. =P~~

What I really feel like right now is that quote by Isaac Asimov: “There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save.” Maybe I will be able to save myself from all this some day… who knows.

Krissi wrote me a letter today, we exchange them on almost a daily basis. She says, “I just hope you won’t try to hard to know me. I like privacy…” then “I don’t wanna move to fast – coz I’ve made too many mistakes that way.” Man, she needs privacy? She doesn’t wanna move to fast because of past mistakes? Just look at me. It seems that I can never get a relationship where we have things in common and we understand each other… but I guess that it what every human looks for, is it not? To tell the truth, I am jealous of Jeff Mallows with Treasa… talk about having things in common, they are exactly the same aside form being opposite sex. Life sucks.

That’s what I really want out of this relationship, is a friend. Someone who will take me for who I am, not pry in to my past unless I offer it up freely, and someone who will just be my friend.
Now, I just need to write her a letter saying that…

Moving on…
In the same letter from Krissi, she said, “She (her friend Nell) told me not to walk away from you – coz you’re a nice guy and we are good together.” Why is it that every girl I run into tells me that I am a nice guy? What is it that I am doing that gets that idea into their heads? A lot of times I just can’t see myself as a very nice guy.

Monday, September 06, 1999

Hmm… looks like I missed a few days… oops! Well, maybe I will get better at it, or maybe I will just slack off more. I seem to be good at that: slacking off.

Krissi called my today… she said that felt that it would be best if we didn’t go out. I REALLY hate life sometimes, you know? I also hate psychoanalyzing myself, which is what I have been doing lately. Maybe I am just a true blue psycho-maniac. *Small grin*

So anyway, what was it I was going to write about?

I went and passed out resumes for more jobs today… but then I discussed my money situation with Robin, and I might just be able to last for a little longer with out working… if I don’t drink, don’t eat, and don’t sleep. But hey, I’m used to that.

Seriously, I can last a few months with the money I have, since room and boarding are provided for. I only have 4 more months to go.

I called my mom and dad this morning. I was just a same old conversation for me, but they seemed to enjoy it, so it was good I guess. The letter that I read after was more interesting. Mark Manrow has turned gay and tried to hit on Russell… weird! I must say, it gave me a bit of a shock. To think that the guy that used to give me a ride to school after seminary is gay. But him being gay is not THAT big of a deal… its more that he turned gay after having a wonderful and loving family, but I guess the most surprising thing is that he tried to pick up on my BROTHER! Weird!

Oh well, life goes on. For other people at least.

Aussie Trip '99 (Earlier Entries)

2006-05-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Found this on one of my backup CDs from back in 99. It’s funny how writing styles change, it was hard for me to keep myself from editing this.

Dated: January 23, 1999

My Aussie Trip

Prelude

I am on an foreign exchange program to Eastern Victoria, Australia. It will last a year, during which I will attend grade 12 at Sale College. I will be staying in Bundalaguah, which is somewhere in Eastern Victoria. The Eastern Victoria Region covers the area between Melbourne to the eastern coast, to make a slice-of-a-pie shaped area.

My family is only a temporary one, I was the last person leaving the States for Australia to receive a family, and I barely got my visa in time. I will be staying with Robin and Barry Wain. At first I thought that they lived in the outback, but they really are just a little out of town, on a fifty acre farm. This is a small farm, on which they raise ostriches and cattle for a hobby. They have one girl, Lisa, who is 21, and one boy, Ben, who is 19. Both live in town at the moment, though Lisa is planning to move a bit farther away because she feels like she knows to many people in town. She has gone on an exchange program to Bolivia, and the Wain’s have hosted students form Italy and Finland.

The AFS students to Australia had to meet at the Hacienda Hotel at LAX, for a day and a half orientation. This is where my parents had to drop me off for good and say goodbye. The first day’s meetings went great, even though I was hungry half the time because of missing lunch, from arriving too late. We had to share the two bed hotel rooms with four people, so instead of sleeping we had a big party with about ten people in there, and I only got about an hour and a half sleep. The next day, we had more meetings, with a rushed departure to the Airport, only to wait after checking in for about two hours.

A funny point when we where trying to get to the gate was with Mitch, one of my room mates, who likes to do magic tricks, and the bag with his magic stuff was his carry-on. One of his magic tricks was to separate three one foot wide medal rings that are interlinked. Well LAX security didn’t like this very much, and after it went through the x-ray machine, he had to sit there for thirty minuets unpacking the whole bag before they were happy. At this same time I was a bit baffled as to what the security lady was doing to my bag, because she took this little tool, with a bit of cloth on the end, and ran in over the zippers and the bag straps. When I asked her about it she told me that she was checking for explosives, which just proves that maybe LAX does have good security after all.

The flight went reasonably well, I fell asleep as soon as I got on the plane, and managed to get nine hours of sleep in. They were showing three movies, but I only watched one, which was titled ‘What Dreams May Come’, and was a very good one. I slept through ‘Ants’ and the other one which I can’t remember the name of. There wasn’t much to see for most of the flight, because it was dark when we left LAX, and it remained so until about three hours from Sydney. I didn’t get to take any pictures out the window, because we were seated right in the middle, and the wing was in the way. Plus the only good picture would have been of the sun rise through the clouds, but there was too much turbulence half the time and the other half I was still asleep.

We (AFS US) waited to be the last ones off the plane so that we didn’t get separated in the rush. The first thing was to get our passports checked, then we went to retrieve our cargo, which took about thirty minuets, and since mine was near the end, I was kind of nervous during that time. But luckily mine weren’t lost and I don’t think anyone else’s was either. Next came customs, we all dreaded this, we all had something small or stupid in our bags that we thought customs might question. (I was carrying a tool set to fix computers with, in my cargo bag). We walked past some lady, handed her the questioner that we filled out on the plane, and then around the corner was the AFS Australia people… what happened to customs?!? We figured that they must have waved us past knowing that we were AFS students.

The AFS Australia people then divided us up, some being rushed off for an immediate flight, others givens tickets for later flights (me), this was the majority, while the last few had to wait with AFS for their families that lived nearby. The people who were going to be taking the later domestic flights all had to go and check in luggage, then we all got on a bus to go to the domestic airport, which was right next door to the international one. Surprisingly no AFS volunteer come with us! They had told us all that there would be a volunteer with us from the time we arrived at LA, to the time we meet our new family. Oh well, we didn’t have any problems finding our separate gates, (at least I didn’t), and by this time, there was only one other AFSA student with me. We went and got our money exchanged, then came back and got on our separate busses to go out to our planes, with a final wave good bye that made her the last AFS US student I saw.

The bus took the small amount a people, about 12, to the plane. I wasn’t surprised when we stopped in front of a little dual propeller plane. After we got on, I figured that it must hold about 36 people, and like I said, it was only a third full, so if we got crummy seats there would be no problem with us changing (aside that it might unbalance the plane a little). At least it was part of a large airline company, so it seams a bit safer. When we took off we had quite a view, and its too bad that I only took one or two pictures of it, but at least I had a few more during the rest of the flight. We landed in Albury to let off a few people and to refuel, then the only other stop was Traralgon, where my family meet me, about 45 minuets from my new home.

Fusarium keratitis... With a name like that...

2006-05-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

Fusarium keratitis... With a name like that, it couldn't be bad... could it?

I found out yesterday that I am using a product that has been found to causes eye fungus, or "Fusarium keratitis". In case you are not following, using Bausch & Lomb's ReNu® with
MoistureLoc® may cause eye infections which can lead to scaring of the cornea and possibly even blindness. Yey, for me!

Needless to say, I switched solutions and even switched to my next pair of disposable contacts a little early. The symptoms include blurry vision, pain or redness, increased sensitivity to light and excessive discharge from the eye. Well, how much discharge is excessive? I've had some itching in my eyes, and after rubbing the itch leads to pain and redness, does that count? Going to pester my doctor anyway...

"The End Of Oil"

2006-05-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

Don't Fuck With Me

2006-05-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

That's what I got out of this photo:

Unknown Vow of Love

2006-05-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Don’t profess your love to a head-hunter’s wife on their wedding night, who knows what could happen.

To each their own...

2006-05-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

career choices

2006-05-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

It's funny... and kind of egotistical of me, but I know there are lots of things out there I could do REALLY well... like media editing for example... but I feel like I am better then that, like I can do better then that.

Maybe because it has been ingrained into me that life is supposed to be challenging; so anything that comes to me easily, can't be good enough as a career.

Bored and Tired

2006-05-14T20:43:00.000-07:00

Bored and Tired of being sick… so what better to do? Blog.

Just a little ranting/updating.

Never mind on the ranting… forgot it was my new thing to not complain. As much.

So I met my future husband… and then I think I scared him off. Probably messaged him to much after our first, and so far only, date. He seems like a nice down to earth guy. Hard worker, about my same height and build, some of the same interests… I decided I could use a relationship; I need the anchor right now.

If it works out, I will keep the blog posted… until then… back to trying to get rid of the cold I picked up.

A True World Traveller

2006-05-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

Ride my bike for 40 years? Sounds like a plan.

My Grandfather!

2006-05-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

This is a recording of my father's father, telling a story about how he rode an unbroken horse when he was only 9 years old. The children in the back ground are my 3 older brothers and my older sister. The youngest is one year old during this, and I am 5 years younger then him. So this was taped about 4 years before I was born; actually, it was four years, one month and two days before I was born, but who's counting?

Boiling over with excitement

2006-05-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

Boiling over with excitement

I can’t contain it… practically bouncing off the walls. I have always wished I had known my grandfathers, and now finally I have found a way to do it. I just finishing having over 3 hours of 16mm film transferred to DVD, and I will be getting it in the mail on Thursday! On top of that though, I just one cassette tape of my grandfather and grandmother telling stories about their youth, another of a relative telling her memories of my great grandfather and another of my other grandmother! I can’t wait to get them into digital form and sit down and listen to them.

For once I am totally excited about the upcoming family reunion…. I have something to contribute, and it is really exciting!

The Robot

2006-05-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

random desk adjustment

2006-05-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

I just decided that my desk needed to be just a little bit higher… so while sitting at my desk, I reach off to my left and open my tool box. Pulling out a 19mm monkey wrench, I climb under my desk and proceed to loosen and readjust the legs on my desk, while it is still fully loaded with stuff. Keep in mind, my desk is fully custom designed and built as one of my many weekend projects. It is made to 2 inch steel tubing with expanded metal surfaces. It weighs around 100 lbs, so supporting the weight and lifting it that “little bit” is no easy task.

It’s much better now: a tall guy like me needs the extra leg room. Like I have said before, I am not your typical gay.

Here it is a few months back.... just take off all the books, the top shelf, and about half the clutter, and you have my desk as it is now.

Repeat after me

2006-05-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

Repeat after me:
“School is my hobby and my hobby is school. All other hobbies become less interesting when faced with the chance to learn. School is my hobby and my hobby is school. All I want to do is get a degree. School is my hobby and my hobby is school. Unlike other hobbies, I must focus my time on school. School is my hobby and my hobby is school. Spare time gets devoted to studying and every office hour gets used. School is my hobby and my hobby is…”

Epiphyllums/Epi Hybrids - Orchid Cactus

2006-04-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

Epiphyllums/Epi Hybrids - Orchid Cactus

Had this cactus for over six years, ever since it was just 4 stalks. It was given to me by a family friend who has since passed away. Ever year, I love watching the buds grow and the flowers open.

Chocolates

2006-04-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

Finally found the name to that mouth watering piece of Cadbury chocolate I had over 6 years ago: "Fudge Dream", found in the Cadbury Milk Tray assortment. I could eat those all day long; they are by far my favorite piece of chocolate on the face of the earth. Thank you to my pen pal for reminding me how wonderful they are.

Eagle Eye Cam

2006-04-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

http://www.infotecbusinesssystems.com/wildlife/

keyboard

2006-04-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I could have the world at my fingertips, thought this keyboard in front of me. If only I knew which order to hit theses keys in, I could do anything I ever dreamed of. It’s all in the order they are pressed…

our future

2006-04-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

Information Overload, Get Your Cure Here

2006-04-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

So those brainiacs found a Cure for Information Overload, all I can say is: very very interesting. Well worth the read!

Gas Prices

2006-04-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was a kid just before the Gulf War, gas prices were at about 95 cents per gallon. During the war, we all thought they were outrageous as we watched them climb well past the dollar mark. These days, we are complaining as they reach three dollars per gallon, but complaining I shall no longer do.

While visiting the United Kingdom last March, I happened to glance at the adverts for gasoline (petrol), and saw shockingly low prices of 95p per liter! I haven't seen a gasoline sign with 0.95 on it since I was a kid! Once I did the conversion though, I realized my mistake. 95 Pence Per Liter is equal to about $6.29 USD per gallon. Next time you complain about gasoline prices, think of the poor people in the U.K.

Interesting to note, that the gasoline prices in the U.S. is about 23% tax. Incase you are wondering, 47% is crude oil, 18% refining costs and profit, and the last 12% is distribution and marketing costs.

In the U.K. on the other hand, an average of 75% of their petrol costs are government taxes. Here, 9% is crude oil, 3% is refining, and 8% is transportation costs.

I tried to find out what these taxes go to pay for, but I was unable to find any specific details. Although, from now on, as I pump my gasoline, I am going to think of how lucky I am to be paying only $3.00 per gallon!

Waste Not...

2006-04-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Waste Not…

So I’m at work yesterday, and a strange vehicle pulls into our yard and up to our trash cans. Strange vehicles in the yard is no new event, happens all the time… but I always keep an eye on them to see what they are going to do while there, as we have had tools stolen in the past.

This one was a local city car, and it appeared the guy was throwing away fruit. I had to head in that direction anyway, so I approached him and tried talking to him about it. Once I filtered out all his rudeness, and after talking to my boss about it, this gist of the story was this.

He is a new code compliance officer that works with our police unit and one of his many jobs is to crack down on people selling fruit on street corners illegally. So here he is throwing away great looking oranges, strawberries, peanuts, and more. When I asked about giving them to employees, again, after much rudeness, I got out of him that it’s a bad idea since it’s not known how the fruit was grown, with what pesticides, etc. Since it was confiscated evidence, it had to be destroyed.

This whole encounter just made me sad. Too see all of that fruit wasted, it is a terrible thing. I can see where he was coming from, on the possible health hazards of it and all… but I still have a hard time accepting it.

Cultural Trends

2006-04-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

Cultural Trends

I have always wanted to fit in… be a part of something. I think to some degree we all do… but how much we let our cultural trends affect our lives is up to us. Sometimes I feel as though I have let the culture around me effect me a little too much. Sometimes I wonder if maybe some of the big important decisions I have made in life were based on trying to “fit in” instead of what I really wanted for myself. I feel as though I am constantly living and reliving past choices and past possible mistakes. How do I find a way out of this evil loop in my mind and start enjoying the now, the life I have built, for better or for worse?

Too Much

2006-04-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Too Much

I am realizing, but having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have too much stuff and too much going on.

Too many hobbies, too many ideas, too many interests, too much clutter, too much, too much, too much…. and no where near enough focus. My mind just wanders from one thing to another to another. It’s positively driving my crazy! Every time I downsize, I find something else instead to focus on.

Is there such a thing as a format and reinstall for the mind? Too many programs installed is causing it to slow down…

Friends Moving

2006-03-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

So my roommate might be moving to another state for work… which leaves me to either find a new roommate or find a new place to live. Plus he has turned into a best friend, and now he will be 600 miles away from me.

Strange, how life can be. A couple of months ago, I meet a cool guy who I dated and who turned into a good friend, and he ended up moving across country for work. Now my roommate is moving. It feels like all the people really close to me are leaving.

I am really happy for my roommate getting the job, but I also have mixed emotions. We have had times when we have shared more then just the room. We bicycle together, eat together, share our lives together. I'm going to have a tough time learning to live alone again.

Coming Out

2006-01-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

Coming Out

My coming out of the closet was a long process, and since most people fail to realize I’m gay, it ever on going. As an adolescent, I always felt something was different but I could never place what it was. I remember driving around with friends and they would point out some girl they felt was attractive; not only did I fail to notice her to start with, I also failed to connect with the attraction they felt. Later in teen-hood, I finally tried dating, only to find that I was only going though the routine because I felt I needed to.

Later in college, I asked a co-worker out who I found attractive. She agreed and we went on our date. Around the second date, she mentioned how she was actually bi-sexual. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t remember having any set thoughts or telling anyone else before this, but I responded that I always wondered if I was gay. For me, this set off a series of events; now that I made the statement, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was true.

Probably one mistake I made, was finding myself a boyfriend right away. Looking back, I would kind of liked more time for self discovery, but I guess I am making up for it now. That first boyfriend of mine did teach me a lot in the short time we were together though. One of my ‘firsts’ with him was a trip to West Hollywood. We had a chance to visit some pride shops where I bought myself a small discrete pride sticker. We also ran in to a street closure and watched the first AIDS/LifeCycle roll in. After watching all those people finish off 600 miles from San Francisco, it pulled so many of my heart strings that I told myself that one day I was going to do that. (And this last year, I finally did).

So after leaving L.A. I placed the pride sticker on my car, and there it stayed for two whole weeks. One day, sitting in my room at my parents, my older brother (brother #2) comes into my room and hollers, “Are you a &$@% faggot!” I sat there, stared at my computer screen, slowly turned around and calmly said, “Yes, as a mater of fact, I am.” Then I resumed what I was doing. After a few minutes I realized that as calm as I responded, I was too worked up to sit there, so I drove over to the near by University that I was, at the time, planning on attending.

It was a glorious weekend day and perfect for wandering around a campus. My wanding took me the common area, where the remains of sidewalk art were still present. The artwork had a theme of diversity, love, and tolerance, and it was perfect for balancing out my ruddy mood. Fortunately, this was one of those times I had my camera with me. Every so often I run across the photos, and they remind me of that day.

That same day I removed the sticker, and avoided anymore outbursts by it being there. I told my friends outright but I just couldn’t bring myself to do the same for family. The next family member that said something was brother #3, and this wasn’t for another year or so after the first. He was much calmer and simply asked, “are you gay? … oh, okay, thought so.”

It’s funny how you can misjudge people. I thought brother #2 would be the easy going one and #3 would have blown his top, but instead it was the other way around. And then more recently, I took one of my housemates with me to my sister’s (sister #1), to pick up some equipment, and she asked me, “is he a friend or a special friend?” I had no idea she knew, or would have picked up on something like that. Again, I have no sense of people.

Before that though, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and moved back to my parents. Before I could move in, I felt I needed to be upfront with them. I was tired of the word games, so I finally told them why I was moving back in such a hurry and how I had been openly gay for three years at that point. They took it much better then my fears, and now, while we don’t talk much about it, at least they know.

I don’t push my orientation on people, but if they ask about it or things get too confusing in word games, I have no problems with being open and telling it as it is. My coming out story is not exciting or explosive or glamorous, but it’s mine.

Dream Diary - Dissecting Dreams

2006-01-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

So I decided to try this dream diary thing. I always have pretty lucid dreams but they always come in such randomness and frequency that I have only ever noted the really important ones, such as the “Space Dream” noted previously.

First thing I can note from last night, I have some pretty wild dreams. Secondly, I dream a lot. Finally, I am much too lazy to write about it when I first wake up. When my alarm goes off, the only thing I want to do is go back to sleep.

Last night’s series of dreaming included dreaming about a neighbor who also has a VW Beetle, like mine; only theirs was also a 1967 and was also yellow, when in reality it’s blue. They also had a yellow ’67 Beetle converted into a Baja, and a third yellow ’67 used into creating some kind of ATV/Baja. As I walked around and studied these creations, I noticed that the small grill on the front fenders were different on each one.

Obviously, this dream is focusing on how I am trying to find a replacement fender for my Beetle, and the small grill on the front fender makes the ’67 stand out from the other years, making it harder for me to find. So finding someone, in my dream, who has three of the rare 1967 beetle is pretty wild.

Since I didn’t take notes, I don’t remember the conversion between dreams, or what order they came in, but I defiantly had one dream where I was naked. I found myself in a pride center (gay center) at a school, and as I walked though the center I realized I was nude. No one noticed my nudity as I made my way though the offices, and as I came to the end of the hall I went though a door that lead me to unoccupied machine shop. I remember finding it funny that a pride center would have a machine shop in it. I realized as I exited the machine shop and entered the grounds, I had better find some clothes due to fearing getting arrested for public indecency. By the time I found my self near the school’s main office, I was decent once more.

I believe this dream was mostly focusing on my strong sexual drive (being nude), but also had major emphasis around the empty machine shop in the pride center. For me, it shows how much I don’t fit into the gay community, as I was the only one in the center who felt at home in the shop. Again, this relates to every day stresses as I once again question my orientation, only this time instead of wondering if I am gay, I am wondering if maybe I am following a fashion by being gay.

I also remember wandering the halls of a hospital, finding myself lost with the fire alarm going off. I remember knowing the way out, but having to take elevators and then stairs to get to the right level, 4th floor, to exit the building. There was more to this dream, mainly with wandering and running around, but as to why, I can’t say.

Even the notes I do have don’t help me. I made a note about “burning gasoline” but with a safety can that we use at work. Now I can’t remember why or how I was burning it… I am fairly sure it doesn’t have anything to do with the fire alarm though.

I will try to write about them first thing tomorrow… if I can get out of bed.

Courtship

2006-01-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

What is the length of a proper courtship?

So I want to get to know someone before I become their ‘significant other’. I want to be able to break it off if a trait comes up that I feel like I can’t live with. How long can I date this person before they escalate the relationship into that “I love you” state?

At this point, with what I have learned in live, I know I do not want to move too fast. As a matter of fact, I think I just need to take a break from it all. There are a few mental states that I think I am going to take my time working out. The next 3 years of school might be enough. Or is a life time needed?

Positive Karma

2005-12-30T12:13:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been blogging lately because I realize I only complain about the bad things that I experience. I guess the bad experiences tend to say with me longer. So I am going to try something new, this is going to be a entry about everything good in the last week.
     Christmas turned out to be a really nice event this year, I was quite surprised. I decided that it was all about the giving, as I wasn’t expecting many gifts. I ended up being the only one of my housemates to buy gifts for the others, so it was a lot of fun being a Santa Clause. I fell like I even found gifts for them that reflect things they want or need. Then I found myself with extra time on Christmas day and was invited to my friend’s parents at the last minute. To my surprise, during present opening, I found there was a present for me. It was a simple set of socks, but it was by far the most useful gift I received.
     I have also enjoyed a very long relaxing week off work and school; it comes with working at a school. I have only managed to get a small amount of my to do list done, but that just gives me resolutions for the new year to break.
     For reasons I won’t go into, I have had the chance to drive my project car, a ’67 VW Beetle, a little more then normal lately. This has allowed my mind to wander into all kinds of project spins for that car, I am sure now it will keep me busy until I am done with school.
     I started using my free time to play W.O.W. again, on a friends account. At least one nice thing has come of that: I have found one of the few connections with my roommates boyfriend, whom I do not normally get along with.
     Okay, so I am running out of positive things to say… karma hasn’t been the nicest to me the last while. But then maybe it wasn’t all karma’s fault… self destruction? Who could say.

Happy Blogging into the New Year!

November

2005-11-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

A very interesting November this has been.

First a very lonely and sad birthday that only a few friends remembered, then a fight with my housemate. Found a new guy… but I am hit and miss on how I feel about him, but at least unlike all the other guys, I have had more then one date. Then another fight with my housemate. Stressed about both jobs… tried to quit one, but my boss pleaded with me to stay. Another fight with the housemate. Now I am stressing about paying for this quarter’s tuition on the first. And now the housemate wants to “talk”… last time we “talked” he came into my room, my little piece of sanctuary, and chewed me out. So no, I will not have a “talk” with him. He can burn for all I care, I don’t want or need the added stress right now.

… I think I am having my midlife crisis about 15 years early. Oh, yea, there are still 4 days left in the month, but I doubt I can go with out being annoyed at my housemate.

2005-11-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us. - Maurice Maeterlinck

Denny's Guy

2005-11-09T06:31:00.000-08:00

Some times I just hate myself...

So I went to Denny's last week for breakfast in the wee hours of the morning before going to work. I am helped by this really cute young guy who appears to be around my own age. Throughout my breakfast, anytime he needed to talk to me or serve me, it seemed as though he held eye contact for just a second or two longer then a normal straight guy would... could it be? Could I be lucky enough to be waited on by a cute young man who is bored to tears because he is ending his graveyard shift in less then half an hour? What was I to do? Can I approach him and pick up on him at his work place? What's the best way to do it?

It really was an awful scene, looking back on it. I had a line or a cute phrase ready and everything. Then as I was paying and it came time to use my little pickup line that I had thought so hard about over breakfast, I totally flaked out. Don't get me wrong, I did make small talk and I was polite... but I just didn't have the courage to say, "Here's my number, call me!", or "Hey, you want to hang out sometime?".

So in disappear and not knowing what to do, I decided to go back. Not knowing his schedule, but knowing that I went to eat last Wednesday, so going again today seemed like a good chance.... and I was right. Sure enough, I show up at 5:45am (told you it was early), and there he was. I knew he was off at 6:00, so I hurried though my meal so that I could have him cash me out before I left... and I fail again. Again, I manage to make the small talk but can't seem to get enough courage together to ask him out. Every idea I had from the previous week; sitting at the bar so I can talk to him better, or writing my number down for him ahead of time to make it easier to slip to him, I didn't implement... please, just shoot me now!

Jesse from Denny's, if you are out there, and if I am not wrong about you being 'family', send me a message and lets go out some time!

Hellish Drive Home

2005-11-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

So I just experienced one of the worst drives home of my life. As if I don’t have enough stress already. I was cruising along with traffic on the freeway at a whopping 5 to 10 miles an hour when a semi truck started tailgating me. While he could plainly see I had no where to go, with cars in front and on each side, after about 15 minutes of tail gating he proceeded to flash his brights at me. If that didn’t make me nervous enough, after he saw that I wasn’t getting out of his way he followed behind me with his brights on though about an hour of hellish traffic. Once traffic did clear and he finally went around, I managed to get his operator number and trailer license plate number. I even went so far as to call it in to the authorities, but I doubt they will be able to do anything.

I consider myself a safe driver, but it takes all the energy I can muster to go though that hell everyday. I swear, once I am done with school, I will never live far from work, no matter how much they pay me.

Now I must retreat to the spa in order to relax enough to sleep before trying the gauntlet again tomorrow.

Dream Diary – The space dream

2005-11-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

The space dream

This dream takes place here on earth, not too far into the future. Human kind has been contacted by another race, a race who is willing to share their space drives with us and who is willing to teach us how to fly their craft. As I sit there, I day dream about becoming a pilot and about finally being able to go to space. Of course I can fulfill this dream simply by signing up for the alien’s pilot school, which is readily accessible. Only, I recognize this feeling… it’s like the aliens have a sort of leash on us when we are using their drives. Since we don’t know all that there is behind their drives, we find that we are always in their dept and always dependent on them. While I sit there thinking about signing up I watch a space port, or actually a group of space ports, that are currently launching. These ports are the human ports, the ones that still use the older style human space craft… the rebels. These launches total to about 20 craft, all of whom are going across the sky at the same time. Truly awesome to watch these magnificent human craft soar across the sky. I realize that’s what I have been wanting… to feel that pull of multiple gravities holding me down, that roar in my ears from the engine, that completely human built machine pushing me forever upwards.

Dream ends with the thought that I could join this rebel group. Maybe first take the aliens pilot classes so that I could be cross-trained in both ship types, incase I ever need to fly one of theirs for some reason.

Thursday, March 14, 2002

Science Fiction

2005-11-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

Science Fiction is my mold; it changes my life and forms my personality. It can make me laugh, cry or even be depressed. It lets me dream, by inspiring me and teaching me. It shows me the future side by side with the past, which sums up the present. Science Fiction may give me headaches thinking of the possibilities; but it makes me wonder if I am living a dream, with real life being the words on the page.

Saturday, April 25, 1998

Cutting Ties

2005-10-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

Ever worked two jobs? While I don't plan to for much longer, I am now. I think I am too loyal of a person, because I feel bad about quitting either one, even though by quitting and cutting hours, I am enabling myself to go back to school and get a degree. I have already given my second boss notice... I thought he was going to blow up, he was that upset about losing me. Even though I have given him my notice, I am still planning projects like I wasn't leaving.

I used to wonder how or why people are workaholics, but now I know. Everyone becomes one for their own reasons, but I think that they stay that way because they let work define their life. I find that happening to me: I am becoming more and more absorbed into my work, to the point to where I find that I am defined by what I do for a living and not who I am or what I do outside of work.

Two months from now that will all change. January 3rd is the first day of school for me, I will be cutting my jobs back to just one, only working that one for 20 to 25 hours per week, and I will be starting my new job: the life as a student. This is one job that I vow to enjoy and have a good time at.

- The Mechanical Engineer

Life's small things

2005-10-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

Ever have a project that you plan out perfectly, and someone just kinks it all up?

That's what happened with my landlord and the spa. He decided to buy himself a spa and have everything installed while he was on vacation... not the best of ideas. The electrician he hired doesn't know his black wires from his green, or so it seems, and thinks he can shove 4 four gauge wires down a 1/2 inch piece of conduit. For those of you not following... it would be kind of like a man giving birth: it's not going to happen. Luckily, my landlord came home from vacation just in time and got all of the problems ironed out. Which means, since I rent a room off him, I get to enjoy the new spa in about two weeks time... if the electrician doesn't do anything else wrong...

A fresh start

2005-10-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

So I decided to take a fresh start to this blogging tool. I didn't like the tact I took with my previous posts, and wiped them out... a bad idea, I know, but they just weren't me.

Seems I have been reaching out into these internet communities more and more... I am sure I could dive into why I am doing it, but I really don't want to. I have more accounts on more sharing websites then I know what to do with. Some I check often, while others I just set up to see what the website was about.

I have met some cool people so far though... and some truly odd people. Ten years ago I even meet my pen pal and best friend of today, right here on a community website... some of you might even remember it before Yahoo swallowed it, geocities.com.

Okay, since my mind keeps wandering this way, it seems I do want to dig into why I am here... it's really two parts. One, I am starting school again and am working two jobs saving the money up, so I don't have time to go out and meet cool new people. Two, I don't want to spend that hard earned money on anything but school, so I am playing around online, which if you use it right, can be free. Really though, I should be studying or applying for a scholarship or something, instead I am here with you!

So that's it. A new start for me and a fresh look at who I am. More about me later, hmm?